The Fylde Institute of Applied Bus Studies · Occasional Papers Series
On the optimal omnibus conveyance of a small drinking party from Lytham St Annes to the Blackpool Winter Gardens for the purposes of darts.
*The committee. The committee is David. David is the committee.
All committee members are required to complete the three interactive bus simulations below before voting. Scores are admissible evidence. Full dossiers in §3.
Each July, the study group travels from Lytham St Annes to the Winter Gardens, Blackpool, to attend the darts. Three candidate services exist: the 7, the 11, and the 68. Despite the journey occurring once per year, the question of which bus to get has now consumed more cumulative discussion time than the darts itself, including the walk-ons.
This paper presents the findings to date. Metrics assessed: speed, stop count, quality of views, quality of seats, probability of the bus actually turning up, and risk of accidental onward travel to Preston. Findings remain contested. The dispute is expected to outlive the participants.
One journey is undertaken per annum (see Limitations, which is all of this). Conditions are never controlled: variables include weather, roadworks on Clifton Drive, how late everyone was leaving the house, and whether a pre-bus pint was taken (it was). Data is recorded in the group chat, primarily as complaints.
Statistical method: one-way ANOVA (Analysis of Nuisance On Vehicles, Annually). Significance threshold: whoever argues longest. All timings measured from the stop to the first “stand up if you love the darts”.
In addition, to compensate for the catastrophically small sample size, each service has been reconstructed as a rigorous interactive simulation (see directive above; play buttons in §3). Committee members are required to complete all three field trials before voting. Scores are admissible evidence.
The scenic option. Sails up the coast with the sea on your left and the Tower growing on the horizon like a pint settling. Emotionally the correct bus.
Keeps threatening to stop serving Lytham altogether, a development the committee has voted to ignore.
▶ Play Field Trial No. 7THE PICKUP RUN →Reliable as a checkout on tops. Also visits every single house on the Fylde coast personally, like it's canvassing. Premium views of a Sainsbury's.
The dependable one. Nobody has ever been excited to see it. Nobody has ever been let down by it.
▶ Play Field Trial No. 11SEAGULL DEFENCE →Not even a Blackpool bus. A Stagecoach service passing through on its way to Preston, which is where you will end up if you sleep, blink, or trust it.
Fast, mysterious, morally grey. Nobody can ever remember where anything is on it, including the stops. Including Blackpool.
▶ Play Field Trial No. 68THE MEMORY TRIAL →| Metric | Route 7 | Route 11 | Route 68 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Journey time (claimed) | “20 minutes” | “25 minutes” | “quicker, actually” |
| Journey time (observed) | 34 min | 51 min | 28 min* |
| Stops endured | 19 | a career's worth | 11 |
| Best view recorded | the Tower, the sea, a tram going the other way | a man arguing with a bin | the A584 at pace |
| Seat verdict | plush, forward-facing, correct | plush but you're on it for a fortnight | Stagecoach lumbar roulette |
| Chance of a double seat | moderate | excellent (nobody else wants it) | you will sit with a stranger and their shopping |
| Delivered party to Winter Gardens | yes | yes, eventually | delivered 75% of party; see incident report, 2023 |
*Route 68 timing excludes the year it did not stop. The committee does not discuss the year it did not stop.
“The 7 is the only bus with a narrative arc.” — Committee member, after two pints, annually
“The 11 gets you there. That's it. That's the whole review. Why are we still talking about this.” — Committee member, correct, ignored
“I woke up in Kirkham.” — Committee member, re: the 68, incident report 2023, appendix withheld
Findings: inconclusive. After extensive annual research, the committee finds that the best bus to the darts is the one that comes first, a result which has been independently rejected by all committee members every year since records began.
Recommendation: further fieldwork is required. One (1) additional journey has been scheduled for next year's darts. The committee will reconvene at the stop, having agreed nothing. Game one. Let's. Play. Darts.